Why does it always feel like I have to ask and beg for almost everything I need in life? Don’t I deserve to be treated they way I treat and love the people closest to my heart?
These are the questions I often ask myself.
No, I’m not a self-entitled pathetic human being. I’m just a woman so fragile and emotional. I easily get hurt.
Balat-sibuyas, as others put it. That’s me – emotionally bare-naked.
I have so much baggage which I am trying to unload from my emotional being. I feel like I am such an introverted, distorted human being who’s always hungry for love, affection, and understanding.
There’s this feeling like I have a constant need for me to always explain myself. That all my actions should be justified. Because if I don’t, I will be rejected. I won’t be accepted. And it sucks.
Maybe I am just feeling vulnerable right now but I have to let this out.
I have to be real.
Not that I have always been fake. But I was hiding. (Until this post gets published).
There are loads of thoughts kept inside because the world is full of judgmental people who, instead of listening, could not stop talking. And so in fear of being judged, I kept almost everything unexpressed.
And when the time comes that I have to let it out, I pity myself because I feel unworthy of being loved. It all comes back to me. I would blame myself.
Being in the cloud of depression and trying so hard to battle with it is not an easy journey. I know there are a lot of things to feel positive about, but it’s… Just. Not. That. Easy. If it was, many of us would have recovered easily without the need of medical intervention.
We’re not drama kings or queens. Yes. We’re ill and it’s enough for us to at least understand that we’re going through some tough times which shakes our whole being and it’s not easy to handle.
You know, I was a person who can’t stop thinking about the sinful word – suicide. There’s a big part of me which believes that the world is better off without me because I am just a mere useless human being. I do not feel I am important. I would question my existence. I was simply unhappy with the life I am in.
That changed when I became a mother, of course. My son added an extra drive for me to continue living. He was my dream come true. I had the kind of mindset that if I became a mother, I would be happy. Of course, I am happy. But there is still a longing deep within me. I am still, sad to say, half empty.
I have asked the why’s many times. I know for a fact what the answer is but I remained stubborn.
I stayed in a cloak which hides my deepest, untouchable wounds. For years, I’ve been looking for people and things to heal and divert my attention from those wounds.
For such a long time, I tried to hide the depression I’ve been through (or still am going through sometimes) for the fear that the people around me will not understand what this is. Or that I will be pushed away and rejected simply because I don’t belong to their happy circle and that I am just a toxic human being who just kills one’s happiness.
I tried to fit in and lost myself in the process of trying to be accepted.
Until I gave in. I know for so long that I am being called to His arms yet I was resisting. And my life was miserable then.
But now, I feel safer more than ever.
For the first time in my life, I know I am loved. Truthfully, genuinely loved.
It was God who wholeheartedly accepted my flaws in spite of me rejecting him for such a long time. Behind the cloud of depression, there’s God, Who tirelessly waited for me to recognize Him.
And the truth is, I never felt so heart strong as I am feeling right now. It is because of Him.
People will fail me. I might have failed you several times before and I sincerely apologize for that. But like me, please do realize that if you put your faith in God and choose to trust Him with all your heart, then you don’t need to get so hurt for expecting so much from any human being existing today. (I AM WORKING ON THIS!)
Of course, I am in the process of accepting myself and my past. The mistakes have already been done and are already a lesson learned. I am on my way to healing the wounds that I, and the people around me, instilled in my heart.
And this could not be done without God’s unending grace.
I asked to be saved. And so He came to my rescue.
I don’t want to sound so religious of some sort. It’s not all of a sudden. I’d rather be called someone who’s entering into a relationship with the Almighty God.
To anyone who’s also going through some tough time, or is still under the darkest cloud of depression, please know that you are not alone. I send my virtual hugs and prayers to you.
May the Lord completely heal our deepest, darkest wounds because only He can do it. May He wipe every tear that came falling down our eyes, every hurt that pained our hearts and may it be replaced with pure joy. May we all be filled with God’s grace and unending, unconditional love. These I pray, in Jesus’ Name.
Kapit lang mga besh, kaya natin ‘to! :’)
P.S. I try to keep this blog as positive as possible, but today, I feel the need to express this even just for once. I kept quiet and I felt restrained from my own emotions for such a long time. And this is me, coming out. Admitting I am a depressed woman, being saved by the Mercy of God. Thank you for reading, anyway. 🙂 May we both have a blissful and blessed life! 😀
Live. Laugh. Love. Write. Pray.