We, moms, all have THOSE days.
We have happy mommy days and the not-so-good mommy days. The not-so-good mommy day of mine happens to be today.
As I sip into my cup of coffee and bite into my slice of cake at the moment, I can’t help but feel bad about myself.
I shouted at my little man. I was so furious that he’s been crying for about half an hour already and I can’t get him to stop no matter what I do. He’s tantrums have become unreasonable in my point of view that I lost control and let out one angry shout because I can’t get hold of my irritation anymore. No, I didn’t just shout. I growled. I said “stop crying!!!!” like a lion so fierce and with an intent to scare its prey ’til it can’t move any longer out of so much fear.
My son froze and I realized I was holding his wrist. He pulled back his hand and he murmured “ouch” and silently cried again.
That’s when I realized that my son got hurt from my strong grip on his wrist. And I instantly felt my heart-shattering. My husband suddenly came from downstairs to rescue his son from me. I felt so guilty. I felt so bad and suddenly undeserving of being called Mommy.
Then they left and have gone downstairs, while there I was sitting on the bed alone. Tears suddenly fell down from my eyes.
I cried. I cried hard. I knew I needed to cry it out.
I needed to cry because I am tired.
I needed to cry because I am stressed.
I needed to cry because my pregnant hormones tell me to do so.
I needed to cry because I feel I’ve failed to be a compassionate and loving Mommy I’ve ought to be. I’ve failed to be Joyful as I’ve told myself I will be for each and every day of this year.
I needed to cry because there are so many things that I wanted to do. Stuff I needed to accomplish. And yet there I was – feeling helpless and always running out of time.
I needed to cry because 24 hours isn’t enough. Can you lend me another 24 hours to get me through the day?
I needed to cry because I’m a Mom. And I’m overwhelmed.
And for all those who also feel the same way, I wanted you to know that it’s OK. We all go through this kind of days. And we will get through these days.
We’re pretty much normal human beings – only that we’re labelled as Moms.
Most of the people around us expect us to be strong like we’re not allowed to feel tired. We are to fulfill our duties as mothers. We are anticipated to be loving at all times even though we feel that we no longer love ourselves.
But it’s OK. This day is just one of those not-so-good mommy days. This, too, shall pass. I will be OK. I have to be OK. That’s why I prayed so hard before I started writing down how I’ve become a Momster today. I knew I needed to cry and pray.
I prayed for more patience and strength. I love my son so much. I love my family more than anyone else next to God. But these are just the days that I get to feel extra unloving towards anyone or even to myself. And I feel so sorry.
The moment my son wakes up from his afternoon nap, I will hug him very tight and say sorry even though I know he doesn’t remember or fully understands the reason why I told him so. And I hope he hugs his Mommy back and from then I will feel a little better because I know that everything’s OK.