I had a very weird dream last week. It is something about my past. About my ex-boyfriend whom I once fall in love with… We shared love, built dreams and hopes together for almost 4 or 5 years of love-fight-love kind of relationship. He was so special to me. He’s my teenage years lovey dovey. The relationship started so young, and we might be both too young at that time for us to be able to say that it was indeed love. But it is indeed love that has unfortunately fallen apart. We parted ways some 4 years ago. And the last time I saw him was when our dear common friend died in March 2013 (remembering Madam‘s tragic end made me a li’l bit sad while writing this). That’s why I don’t have even a single idea why and what is he doing in my subconscious mind. It’s really an odd thing especially now that I’m in a relationship, committed for more than 3 years already.
Recalling the dream: I was on the roof top of a building I don’t know. I saw him riding on Santa Claus’ sleigh (laugh now, please! =)) ) and he magically drew my most favorite shape in the starry night sky. A shining, shimmering, splendid heart shape. Then, the sleigh landed off to the roof top. He was smiling to me, while I was teary eyed. He gently held my hand and tried to bring me somewhere else in the roof top ( and when I woke up, I honestly thought that he may be bringing me to a candle-lit dinner kind of date somewhere in the roof top or will be pushing me on the edge of that building as his revenge that I left him and broke his heart into pieces. Haha! Silly idea). He’s still smiling ’til I took my hand away from his after a few seconds. In my dream, I remembered that I have a partner. A partner whom I really love and I must be faithful to him. I shook my head like I’m too disgusted with something which I don’t know. Maybe with myself for letting him hold my hand again while I have someone who might be waiting for me somewhere. Tears fell hard on my cheeks as an indication of guilt, maybe? Or an overwhelming emotion that my ex professed his love for me in a really extraordinary way; that he’ll be doing everything for me. Like I’m as precious as a diamond and that I deserve to be loved way, way better. Like how most girls dream of it, wish for it.
Yet, I am committed. And I can’t let the relationship fall apart again just because I found someone who’s greater than my current partner or my ex-boyfriend is way much better, in knowing what I want and what I need as a lady (an idea that’s even more stupid!)
I guess, my subconscious is nagging me for keeping thoughts and fantasies that I deserve better. I admit that most of the time, I feel envious of other girls because they are being treated like a princess. Screw televisions and social media for instilling this kind of thoughts on me. 🙁
I know this weird dream doesn’t imply that I should be going back to my past. To him… Neither there’s a single chance nor I intend to do it so. It’s all from the past. He’s from the past. There may be times I find myself comparing my partner to him. Yes, it’s stupid! Because there are no two people exactly alike. My ex was too loving, my present’s just trying to keep everything cool. My ex was sweet enough and nurturing, my present is just simple, he rarely surprises me or say sweet nothings to me. My ex loved me, and so is my present!
I had my chance of meeting a man who had showed his much love for me, taller than the tallest building in the whole world… and yet I’ve let go of it.. of him. Not that I’m having regrets now, but I do know that I had my shot and I’ve let it go and so I’ve moved on! I just have to tell myself to stop fantasizing of being loved like I am the coolest, loveliest girl in town. Like I deserve it , right? Maybe, I don’t deserve it at all.
*sobs and sighs*
Live. Laugh. Love. Write. Pray.