“I don’t feel tired at all!” – says no Momma, ever!
Long before I gave birth to Gabriel, I already knew I will feel overwhelming love and joy, and it’s not unknown that most days are draining and that I will definitely have to endure a lot of sleepless nights. But I know that I will be able to get through those, though. ‘Coz Mums are that tough, right?
But I never know I will be this tired. Burnt-out-kind-of-tired.
I keep telling myself that this is just a phase in a first-time mother’s life. That this will pass. That I will get through this. But it doesn’t take away the weariness in me.
One typical morning, I woke up with a painful sensation in my upper right abdomen. I am also having hyperacidity attack which worsens the situation more. I was about to wake up my husband who’s currently comfortably asleep to bring me to the ER when the pain slowly subsided until it’s already tolerable enough. I sat in the corner of our bed, trying to relax. Then a thought just popped out in my head.
Who will take care of me, in times like this? I actually don’t know the answer.
There was an instance when I had a high-grade fever because of my pre-mastitis condition (I had this on-and-off relationship with clogged milk ducts for the first 8 months of my breastfeeding journey). Because I was sick, I let Gabriel stay at my in-law’s house. Bryan – my husband, wasn’t able to leave the office because of an unfinished task. While there I was, alone at home, feeling like I was already battling for my life. You know that awful feeling of feeling sick, having plugged ducts and high fever. I was already hallucinating that time, I guess. And yet, I force myself to get up from the bed, get my own wet towel to put on my forehead, get my own medicine to drink, get my own glass of water, check my own temperature…
That was some lonely night. Feeling like there’s no one beside me to take care of me.
But then again, I am a mother now. My family depends on me. I cannot be weak. I cannot be sick. My family needs me.
Being a mother feels lonely sometimes. Of course, it is the happiest phase of a woman’s life. There’s no need for a justification on that. Just seeing my baby’s smile already inserts pure joy to my heart.
But really, who takes care of us?
Personally, as of this writing, I am feeling very exhausted. I still have hyperacidity that doesn’t go away even I already took 2 tablets of chewable antacid medicine. I don’t have the appetite for food. I want to rest but I still have to cook. The pile of unfolded clothes and cloth diapers are calling for attention, and the floor needs to be mopped. Just thinking about the chores makes me feel tired already. I just feel soooooo restless (and ugly!) for the past few days. So who will take care of me?
I might seem needy, and dependent. Maybe, as a first time Momma, I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn. But right now, I am tired.
I will take a bit of rest. Just enough rest because I can never have the kind of rest that I’ve been longing for so long. But before I go to sleep, I’d like to send virtual hugs to the exhausted Mommas out there. It’s okay that we feel this way. It’s okay if we don’t feel like a superwoMOM that most people expect us to be. It’s okay if we get cranky and irritable sometimes. We’re only humans. Just a reminder to you all and to myself as well: Smile. Eat well. Pray. And take care of yourself. Because if you don’t, no one else might will. Us, mothers, are designed to nurture and nourish our family. And I think we have to start with ourselves first. 🙂
Good night, Mommas!